Rate Television Commercials

Super Bowl

2008-02-04T04:42:00.001-08:00

I know I said I'd review the commercials live but the game was too damn good. But don't worry I recorded the whole game and will post the reviews tonight. Overall the ads sucked. They have sucked the past couple years. Do companies try too hard? Do we expect too much? Who knows but they are not what they used to be. Anyway congrats to the New York Giants! Aside from the Steelers winning Super Bowl XL I've never been this excited about a game.

Check in tomorrow for ALL the commercial reviews.

Old Spice

2008-02-02T04:57:00.000-08:00

In this commercial there's a guy playing baseball. He is standing on 2nd base and as soon as the ball is hit he dives into a slide. He continues to slide all the way to 3rd, rounds 3rd and grabs a stick of Old Spice deodarant(still in a slide) and ends up safe at home. The whole time he's sliding he's telling you how Old Spice is the best deodarant but he's using all kinds of sports analogies to describe Old Spice. It's a hilarious commercial.

Verdict: 3 roxxorz. The guy slides from 2nd to home with no running start. Funny stuff.

Anti Marijuana Commercials

2008-01-11T07:25:00.000-08:00

First off let me say that I am all for stopping kids from doing drugs. That being said I hate these commercials. These commercials are so over the top it's ridiculous. They feature such "common" scenes as kids sitting in their dad's office smoking weed. The one kid then says to the other, "Hey, I know where my dad keeps his gun." Of course they get the gun out and one of the kids gets shot. Here's what would really happen.

Two kids smoking in their dads office.

Stoner #1, "Hey I know where my dad keeps his Cheetos."

Stoner #2, "Awesome. Go get em"

Stoner #1, "Go get what?"

And no one gets shot. My wife saw one the other day. She missed part of it but somehow kids were smoking in a car and then the car bursts into flames.

I've written some new ads for these people.

Two kids are sitting on a porch smoking pot.

Kid 1, "My mom said that smoking weed can lower your sperm count."

Kid 2, "Yeah right"

Kid 2's testicles explode.

Here's another:

Two kids walking home from school are approached by a drug dealer. He offers them a joint.

Kid 1, "No way man. Dope is for dopes"

Kid 2, "I'll try it."

Kid 2's testicles explode.

I did see one ad that was decent. This kid is talking about his stoner friend or brother or someone and it goes something like, "My brother smokes pot. He didn't shoot anyone. He didn't crash his car. He didn't rape anyone. You know what he did? Nothing."

That's the right point to get across. Kids aren't stupid so those over the top ads don't work. Point is that if you want to get a message to kids you cannot address them like kids. Don't tell them that if you do drugs the monster under your bed will get mad and eat you. Tell them the truth. And why is weed the only drug I see addressed in these commercials? Why don't they show kids doing coke or abusing cough medicine?

Verdict: 5 suxxorz. They are stupid.

FreeCreditReport.com

2008-01-08T02:11:00.001-08:00

These ads have always bothered me. Has anyone everyone gone to this site to get your "free" credit report? It's not FREE! You have to sign up for some bullshit program and then they will give you your credit report. It's shady business practices. The new ads they run are slightly enjoyable because the songs are pretty catchy. One is a guy dressed like a pirate working in a seafood restaurant singing about his crappy job and how somehow he has the job because he didn't go to freecreditreport.com and the other is a guy with his wife and they are living in her parent's basement because they couldn't get a loan for a house because she had bad credit. What bothers me is in the song he says "I married my dream girl...." then at the end he says something like, "if i had gone to freecreditreport.com I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard." So love has nothing to do with a successful marriage? It's all about money. We should run credit checks on our significant others before entering into a long term commitment? And this jerk off says he'd have a nice place if he was a bachelor. I would imagine he's getting a loan for this place. SO WHY CAN'T HE GET A LOAN FOR HIM AND HIS WIFE IN HIS NAME?

Verdict: 3 suxxorz. Misleading and stupid. The songs are ok though.

Subway

2008-01-08T00:11:00.001-08:00

Subway has listened to me! Here is an excerpt from the letter they sent me:

"thank you so much for letting us know that Jared sucks. We stopped running ads featuring him and business is up 300,000%. We are now the richest company in the world. We have made so much money because of you that we don't even know where to put it all. As a token of our appreciation we're sending you a coupon for 50% off a 6 inch sub."

JACKPOT!

Obviously I made that up (or did i?) (yes, i did) but I have noticed a steady stream of Jared free ads from this purveyor of palatable p...subs.

The funniest one features a guy at work being asked for receipts from his business lunch at some burger joint. He asks if he can just photocopy his butt. The point being that his huge ass is proof he eats fast food burgers.

Another ad features Peter Griffin from Family Guy reciting the "Ode to the Subway Feast". Nothing hilarious here but Peter Griffin can get a chuckle out of me every time.

Verdict: 2 roxxorz. Not bad ads. Anything without Jared is a step up.

Funniest Commercials of the Year

2007-12-30T09:46:00.001-08:00

I forgot to mention that this was coming on. It aired 12/26 on TBS. I've seen it rerun already so maybe they will show it again. Kevin Nealon hosts and does a pretty good job. Way better than when James Brown hosts Fox's version. Most of the time these clip show hosts are horrible. Just look at every America's Funniest Home Video host EVER. If you've ever watched one of these shows you will notice that international ads are way better than the ones we get here. I think part of the reason is that censorship laws in a lot of other countries are less strict.

Anyway if you see that the show is airing again check it out. It's good. You can also check out www.veryfunnyads.com to see what was on the show.

Southwest Airlines

2007-12-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

These ads are great. They show someone doing something stupid then the tag line "Wanna Get Away?"

My favorite shows two guys playing video game baseball. The one guy is showing the other how his motion sensing controller works but swinging it like a baseball bat. He then says "Now throw me a pitch just like if we were outside"

His friend hurls his controller at the flat screen TV shattering it and sending it crashing to the ground. Wanna get away?

Hilarious.

Verdict: 4 roxxorz. Some of the funniest ads on TV.

New Blog

2007-12-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

Check out my new blog http://yaknowwhatpissesmeoff.blogspot.com

It's pretty self explanatory.

Body Sprays and Blue Jeans

2007-12-28T05:07:00.000-08:00

First off the blue jeans. I guess it's hard to come up with original ads for a product that basically hasn't changed since it was first created but blue jean commercials are some of the worst. I'm going to focus on the one that bugs my wife the most. I can't remember the brand but it shows a guy in his apartment and as he pulls his jeans up an entire city starts to burst up through the ground. What does this have to do with anything? My wife said she would've liked to have seen a parking meter thrust up his butt when he pulled the jeans up.

Blue Jean commercials: 4 suxxorz. Think of something relevant to the product.

Secondly, body spray commercials. TAG commercials used to really bug me because they basically expect you to believe that spraying their crap on you will get women to take off their clothes. I've 2 possible ways to make TAG actually work. Spray it in the girls eyes so she can't see what a fat ugly loser you are or spray directly into your own eyes so you can't see what the chick you really get looks like. Of course I don't advise you to do either of these. I thought TAG commercials were bad until I saw Bod Man body spray. They went the complete opposite route and show a bunch of sweaty shirtless guys running around while a woman sings their horrible jingle, "Check out that bod. I want your bod." At first I thought they were marketing specifically to gays, which would be refreshing to see, but then I saw females sitting in bleachers watching these guys run around. You don't see Playtex commercials featuring half naked women jumping on trampolines do you? No. My guess is the Bod ad team figures this will get women's attention and they will buy this for their men.

Body Spray commercials: 2 suxxorz. They won't get you laid.

100 Hits!

2007-12-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone! I know it's not that many but it's big to me. Look out Google and Yahoo! Here I come.

RAPID FIRE!

2007-12-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

Citizen Eco-Drive Watches: I'm focusing on the one with Eli Manning in it. If you know anything about Eli Manning then you will see the absurdity of this ad. The tag line is "Unstoppable". I'd believe an ad for the Humane Society featuring Michael Vick before I'll believe Eli Manning is unstoppable. He's stuck in a perpetual state of "Aww shucks". Just watch a Giants game.
Verdict: 3 suxxorz. Think before you pick a spokesperson.

Hummer: First off I hate all Hummer commercials because I think people who drive them are pricks but the one that pissed me shows all kinds of natural disasters like floods, tornadoes, wild fires, then it shows people driving Hummers through it all like it's nothing. I guess Hummers are fire proof. They should show a city just packed with people driving Hummers. Then they can show people walking around on the sidewalks wearing bio suits with oxygen tanks because we have no ozone left.
Verdict: 5 suxxorz. Hummers are for assholes.

Burger King: This is an overall review of all the BK commercials. They are great. I remember the first time I saw the King with that giant creepy head I fell in love instantly. I like the newest ones where they stop serving the Whopper for a day. That's a good idea though believe me I've worked at fast food restaurants and people will bitch no matter what crappy item you get take off the menu.
Verdict: 3 roxxorz. Love that big headed King.

Ok I'll be posting more regularly after the holidays. Happy Whatever You Celebrate!

Been Busy

2007-12-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've just been busy with all this holiday crap. It's December 22nd and I haven't gotten my wife a gift yet. I also have not seen alot of commercials worth reviewing but I'll do a rapid fire session on the couple that have stood out.

Any Commercial Where A Car Is Given As A Gift

2007-12-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

Every christmas we are subjected to this crap. Good job Lexus, Mercedes, BMW and all the other companies that put these on the air. Way to remind the majority of the people watching how poor they are. Car commercials in general are the worst. The best ones I can think of are the Toyota commercials where the truck is hit by a meteor or eaten by a dragon in World of Warcraft. While we are on the subject of car commercials. What is up with local car dealer's commercials? I know they don't have the production budget or ability that the auto makers do but why can't they at least hire an intelligent writer. I live near several, I'd be happy to do it. Best car dealership commercial ever is the spoof on OSU coach Mike Gundy's meltdown. Here is the meltdown - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E and here is the spoof - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcRWdPMUhzg .

Verdict: 5 suxxorz. WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE CARS AS GIFTS!

iPhone

2007-12-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

Most of these commercials do a very good job of making the product look very cool. The one I have a problem with is the pilot telling the story about the flight being delayed then he checked the weather on his iPhone and told the tower and the got to take off. GIVE ME A BREAK! You mean to tell me that the hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment in the control tower can't check the weather? And what cell phone doesn't have the ability to get weather reports? I think Apple is a little full of itself sometime. I rewrote the commercial.

Pilot against black background

"I was on a flight to D.C. one time and hijackers took over. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered I had an iPhone."

Just end it there. What the hell did he do with the iPhone? Did he throw it at them? Did he look up how to kill people on the Internet? Did he trade his iPhone to the terrorists in return for freeing the plane? The world may never know.

Verdict: 3 suxxorz. Apple needs to learn not to treat people like they are morons.

DLP

2007-11-26T06:32:00.000-08:00

My main beef with this commercial is the little girl. She may be the most annoying little girl I have ever seen. When she says, "It's the mirrors" she has such a snotty tone you would think she invented the damn technology. There is a definite creepy factor to her as well. I can imagine wake up at night just before she jams a shard of a broken mirror through my chest chanting, "It's the mirrors, it's the mirrors." Also, what the hell is with that elephant? I keep waiting for it to step on that girl but it never does. I'm sure she's a nice girl, it's the directors fault for making her so annoying.

Verdict: 1 suxxor. They aren't THAT bad but they get on my nerves.

Fathead

2007-11-22T05:40:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what a Fathead is it is a life size sticker you put on your wall. They mainly deal with athletes but they have some super hero ones as well. Now their previous spots were ok but ultimately came up short do to poor writing. They featured a guy taking pictures with a giant camera. That was the good part. Then the guy would talk for 20 seconds and ruin every thing. The newest spot is an old guy saying that Fathead makes a statement. A statement like this - it then shows a bear wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey tearing this guy's office apart. Now this is cool but then the bear starts breathing fire - uber cool! The announcer then walks down a hallway covered with Fatheads and give a funny little speech.

Verdict: 3 roxxorz - Any commercial with a fire breathing bear is awesome.

Viagra

2007-11-20T07:52:00.000-08:00

Have you seen this commercial? 4 guys sitting in a garage singing Viva Viagra. This gets the award for dumbest premise EVER. On what planet does stuff like this happen?

"Hey Chuck, what's going on?"

"Nothing much. What ya doing today?"

"I was thinking about getting the guys together and singing about boner pills. You in?"

"I'm there."

You wanna see how to sell boner pills check out the Enzyte commercials. I've never seen so many sexual innuendos crammed into a 30 second spot.

Verdict: 2 suxxors. Horrible premise that has nothing to do with the product.

Comcast

2007-11-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

These are by far my favorite commercials on TV. The play-on-words is hilarious. If you haven't seen them here's an example. Two guys walk up to a table filled with name tags. They both reach for the one that says "Bill". They then get into a fight with one Bill throwing the other Bill to the ground. A box then pops up with the tag line - "There's only one bill" referring to the fact that you can get cable, internet and phone on one bill. There are too many others to even try to list them all but that one is my favorite. Plus, Comcast seems to make a new one every week so they aren't getting stale. There are at least 10 different commercials in rotation. Comcast I salute you and your hilarious commercials!

Verdict: 5 roxxorz! A rare perfect rating but the ads are insanely funny and there are so many variations that I never get tired of seeing them.

Subway

2007-11-18T05:56:00.000-08:00

Enough with Jared already!!! We get it. He was fat then he ate Subway and now he's skinny. Come up with something new. Maybe Jared starts to lose his willpower and gorges on Quiznos subs. He then blimps up to 350lbs. All the celebrity guests that have been in the commercials get together and hold an intervention for him and in a fit of hoagie induced rage he eats Reggie Bush. Just a thought. Subway subs are the bomb too so they deserve better commercials. There are some brilliant advertising companies out there and I'd imagine Subway can afford to hire one of them.

Verdict: 1 suxxor. He's annoying but not so much that I won't continue to devour those delicious subs.

AT&T Mobile Broadband

2007-11-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that more and more companies are using British people to hawk their products. Maybe it's because the Brits are so damn charming and they can make just about anything sound interesting. It's the accent. An Englishman could describe diarrhea to me and I'd want to know where I could get some. But these AT&T ads are horrible. It's like they snatched someone off the streets of London, fed him lines, then said, "Can you be alittle MORE British. And maybe act alittle like a child molester." Everytime I hear him say "Polo! Found you!" I picture him leaping out of the bushes near a playground when a kid wanders too far from his/her parents. If I was England I'd consider declaring war over this because I'm sure plenty of people think, "Yep, that's just what the Brits are like." AT&T take notice of the Geico gecko - that's how you use a British accent to sell your product.

Verdict: 3 suxxorz. Could've been lower but AT&T did succeed in getting "Polo! Found you!" stuck in my head so I guess the ad works to an extent.